YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
