She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
