Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
