im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
