this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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