My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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