Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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