I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
