I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
