Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
