the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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