Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
