there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
