I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
