i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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