I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He better not be in your backpack
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
