It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize