Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
