Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
