And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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