I think I won the penis lottery.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Randomize
