Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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