why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
