I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
