I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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