I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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