he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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