My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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