we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
