i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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