Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
