my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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