I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
