Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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