Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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