the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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