The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
