Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
