the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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