That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
