And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
