saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I checked into jail on foursquare
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
