is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
