U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
