My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
