oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
