Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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