My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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