was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
