i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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