She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize