And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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