I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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