You can't special order awesome
i just had sex bonerless
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
