I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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