So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
