im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
