I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
