I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's rum buckets o'clock
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
