I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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